Tag Archives: pirates

America gets a real-time IQ test

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I’m going to assume that some moderate percentage of the US population could either describe an oligarchy or identify one if they saw one. I don’t think it is anywhere near 50%, but let’s say it is greater than 25%. (But read the Wiki. It’s a good primer on what tipping-point we just crossed)

Now what percentage of them could identify an emerging oligarchy? It would be like saying you can ID an oak tree, but not an oak sapling. Lots of people fall into that category.

What just happened in the US is that an oligarchy sapling just broke through the forest floor, is getting lots of nutrients and sunlight, and before you know it, son, you got yourself a mature oligarchy growing right there in the front lawn. And the bigger it gets the harder it will be to get rid of. How do we know if we have a real oligarchy, and not just a playboy-type with delusions of grandeur? The dichotomous key to political systems will get you close:

You have a billionaire as president-elect. He became a billionaire by extracting moderate sums of money from thousands of people at a time, and then doing it again, and again. What billionaires care about it not whether the Dallas Cowboys are looking good (That’s Jerry Jones’ issue, and he is “special”), or whether their bills are getting paid. They mainly care about other billionaires, their money, and how they stack up against them. So we can check that box. They play “Fantasy Billionaire” the way Joe Six Pack plays Fantasy Football. But with piles of other people’s money. No other billionaires have been elected to the presidency of the US. That is a big bragging point right there. That goes over real big when he gets on the phone with other billionaires AND with other heads-of-state. It’s a win-win. And don’t he know it? It’s Trump, Putin, and a few guys in the UAE. That, as they say, is the list of billionaire heads-of-state. Don’t go looking for their free press or their sterling record on human rights.

And in the case of our current president-elect, Donald Trump, he is demonstrating his incuriosity, thin skin, and sub-par intellect at every damn turn. We don’t have a super-genius billionaire, or even a really smart billionaire. We have a whiny douche from Queens who inherited more money from his daddy than the average American makes in a lifetime. He is accustomed to outsourcing virtually everything. He hires “the best”. (More on that, and how he only hires the best for himself and hires the worst when it comes to protecting the American citizenry, later.) How does a guy like this plan to run a country?

Glad I asked! First, you put military lifers in positions where you want chain-of-command respected, not a bunch of smart-ass sass-back. You only want to hear “how high?” when you yell “Jump”. So you stock Defense, Homeland Security, and Intel with guys who will throw their mother in front of the L-train in the name of chain-of-command. It helps if you have conspiracy theorists with itchy trigger-fingers and an axe to grind. Less motivational work and coercion to waste Trump’s time.

Next, you recruit fellow billionaires who you know will put other billionaires (like the president-elect. just sayin’) first, and pretty much fuck the little guy all day long. That is how they got there. When you find anyone who ever called Rex Tillerson “human rights champion” please let me know. Trump himself has *never* gone on the record regarding human rights (I looked, and if you find something I am all ears). It is safe to say he has never though about the concept other than as a way to tar a “loser” who put humanity over making a dollar. Go find the country that Rex Tillerson has staked out where you have a thriving middle class, lots of manufacturing jobs, cheap top-flight health care… Good luck. If that model was successful they would be like Johnny Appleseed, as opposed to Joey Goebbels.

And Trump has Bannon, who jerks off to photos of Goebbels, so another base covered. This guy is a “strategist” in only the broadest way. He seems to be the worst kind of political apparatchik. The kind who will never be seen in public, or grant interviews, or take any real responsibility. He has his hand up Trump’s ass and it looks like Trump is talking, but you are really hearing Bannon throwing his voice. THAT is this dude’s “strategy”. And as usual, when “strategy” is next separated from “propaganda” it will be the first time.

Next, Lackeys. You cannot have a functioning oligarchy without lackeys. You need dopes who are so far over their skis that they will take whatever direction they get because what the fuck does Rick “Dancing with the Stars” Perry know about nuclear warheads? Nothing. And he ain’t gonna learn anytime soon. The steady stream of agency heads who are incompetent or outright hostile to the charters of the agencies they are being tapped to head is not a coincidence. You want a nice mix of incompetence and hostility. Both is nice.

Like an exterminator examining the mud casings in the footings of your democracy, I hate to tell you this, friend: you got a colony of oligarchs, military stooges and lackeys setting up shop in your house. The fix is to get at it early and maybe in short order you’ll have a problem you can fix with a can of RAID. But for now you gotta be ready to do the hard work to knock this oligarch colony down to size.

 

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Rhum for the Hills!

I have not been blogging recently, but I have had a project in mind and now is as good a time as any. Even through there are many Tiki culture and craft cocktail books out there, many of them are either extremely broad or end up being very complicated. I enjoy a good cocktail, and I especially enjoy rum. That means stumbling into one of the most confusing and dangerous sections of your local liquor store. Rum is mysterious! They said. Well, yeah, it is mysterious. The range of styles and flavors, and quality, is broader and less predictable than in any class of alcoholic beverages I can think of. Rum ranges from bone dry white liquor that compares to vodka, to dark and heady “pirate juice” with aromas that can be overpowering to the unsuspecting consumer. My plan for the next few posts is to establish a plan of attack, and look for ways to simplify while lowering the initial cost of a basic rum selection.

  

Clement VSOP, a very nice Martinique rum. This is not where the rest of this blog post is heading. Thanks for looking at this rather spendy rum. This is distilled from pressed cane juice, not molasses. Nerd, out.

What’ll ya have, sailor?

What kind of drinks are you interested in? Rum can play well in anything from the simplest Cuba Libre to the most devious Zombie. Narrowing your focus is a good way to get off to a good start, and making a tasty drink, without needing a shelf full of specialty rums.

  • Long Drinks, aka Highballs (rum, ice, mixer)
  • Cocktails (rum or rums, syrups, bitters, lime juice)
  • Tiki Drinks (rum, fruit juices, syrups, ammendments)

When it comes to the rum itself, let’s keep the categories simple:

  • White Spanish (dry white rum such as Bacardi, Ron Matusalem, and Ron Barrelito)
  • White Jamaican/Caribbean (lighter but flavorful such as Cruzan, Don Q, Meyers White, and J.Wray)
  • Gold Rums (medium bodies rums such as Bacardi 8, Appleton VX, Plantation 5, Pussers)
  • Dark Rums (Meyers, Coruba, Goslings, El Dorado 12)
  • Specialty Rums (Wray Overproof, Cruzan Blackstrap, Flavored Rums, Spiced Rums)
  • Overproof Rums – the bad boys of the bunch. Ranging from 120 to 160+ proof, they are usually used for flaming in a tropical presentation, or as a float. Beware: the bad ones are a waste of money and the good ones will kick your ass.

Even that simple list is up for debate, especially the Gold/Dark distinction. I love El Dorado 12. It makes the best Dark & Stormy I have ever had. It is more “rum” than the vanilla, molasses, and rootbeer flavors that dominate other darks. But some rumheads will balk at calling it a true dark. Getting over the nit-picking is the best way to save time, money, and frustration. The wealth of information in books and on the internet is astonishing, but it can also be confusing. I will list some resources later, but remember that one good rum is better than a lot of bottles of “meh” rum.

The first order of business is to nail down what kind of drink you want to make, and then find a good recipe and a good rum. I have no idea what that will be, but I don’t need to know. I will pick a few examples as we go along and hopefully my reasoning will become clearer.

Obviously, the easiest route is a long drink with a prepared mixer. That is not always bad. Somewhere between getting clandestinely hammered on poorly mixed rum and RC Cola in some dimly lit parking lot, and having a Jeff Berry tattoo on your ass, is a lot of very good real estate. If you can make a well balanced Dark and Stormy or Cuba Libre you are off to a good start. So, let’s start there:

  • Dark and Stormy – 1.5oz rum, 8-12oz ginger beer, ice, lime wedge optional
  • Cuba Libre – 1.5oz rum, 8-12oz Coke, ice, lime wedge almost essential

Note: There is one commandment – Thou shalt always use fresh lime juice and fresh lime wedge. Any other source of lime juice is an abomination and you will have only yourself to blame for the horrid results. Amen. If you have a bottle of Rose’s and are not making a pitcher of Kamikaze’s in a frat house, you are on the wrong path. Step up thy game!

Despite the simple appearance, you have some latitude in the strength of the drink (dilution) and the acidity/complexity of the drink. Normally I wouldn’t specify a brand of soda, but Coke has that nutmeg note built in and nothing else does. That is key because someone has put that “je ne sais quoi” into a readily available and affordable mixer, and you don’t have to. As for Ginger Beer, Goslings is easy to find as is the Jamaican DG brand, or the Reed’s Extra Strong. Another option if you want to go all foodie on it is to make a ginger syrup and then top off with seltzer (more on that later). But I digress.

The question is “which rum?”. If I had to pick one rum to make these two drinks I would choose between Coruba and El Dorado 8. First off, they are very good rums. Secondly, you will be making a distinctive drink with a rum you won’t find on the line at the local bar. Lastly, those rums taste like rum. You can pick a lighter option like Cruzan Barrel Aged Silver, or a heavier rum like Kraken (which to me tastes like vanilla and little else). Or whatever you see that piques your interest. I have a bottle of spiced rum from Quebec that is actually quite good, so it isn’t just speculation.

So far all you needed was some rum, a mixer, ice, and a lime. Hardware-wize you needed a paring knife and a stirrer. You can use a pocket knife and your finger, but if you are trying to impress friends or a date, up your game just a tad. The next step up the rum ladder is to use a sweetener, usually in syrup form. They are as easy to make as a cup of tea, and they will improve your life in many ways. Flavored syrups are like moving from a tea bag to loose tea. Still very simple.

  • Plain syrup – equal parts granulated syrup and water, warmed to dissolve sugar, cooled, stored in the fridge
  • Rich Syrup – two parts sugar to one part water, as above
  • Ginger Syrup – Peeled, sliced ginger in plain syrup, bring to barely a simmer, remove from heat and cover. Let sit for about 2 hours, cool, store.

Note: You can add a shot of rum to your syrups to prolong their life and prevent crystallization. It is a good idea.

I will end this entry with the mother of all simple drinks, the daiquiri. This is a great drink and easy to make as long as you have rum, limes, syrup, ice, and a drink shaker. Use any rum you have. Many rum drinkers use this as their reference drink when trying a new rum for the first time. My one caveat is that rums with strong flavors, or spiced rums, will be tricky to balance. But under no circumstances let that stop you. A weird daiquiri is better than no daiquiri.

Classic Daiquiri:

  • 1.5 oz rum
  • 1 oz lime juice
  • 0.5 oz simple syrup
  • Combine in a shaker with ice, shake well
  • Strain into a cocktail glass or an Old Fashioned glass

The shaker can be as simple as you want. I have made very serviceable drinks in one of those plastic shakers that come free with tequila bottles. Search the web for all kinds of nerd-lust related to drink shakers and the perceived merits of each type. I am not going to pick favorites. A metal “boston shaker” and a pint glass is what most people get by with. A two-piece metal “french shaker” is better yet. The three-piece “cobbler” shaker is very common and very useful, but usually has a limited capacity.

So that is it. Keep it simple, don’t get dragged into the weeds by mysterious rums from near and far, and don’t buy nasty bottom-shelf rum unless it is completely appropriate. Good rum is out there for not much more money. I will cover my choices for best values in good rums, as well as syrups and accoutrements in the next few entries.